Auntie Most Evil Needs to Pinch Some Cheeks!

So, here’s the deal. My Evil Twin JoJo (she’s the Evil One, I’m the Most Evil) refuses to fly out here to spend some time with me because she’s afraid to fly with her now not-so-newborn baby. (Clarissa is almost two years old.) I’m not exactly sure what horrors she envisions, but I assume it has a lot to do with death and destruction and things being out of her control. It could involve planes splitting in half in mid-air with Clarissa being sucked out of her arms and into the Great Beyond. Kind of like “Lost.” Perhaps it’s a kidnapping, where Clarissa is the pawn in complex global terrorist plot. Or maybe JoJo thinks the airport personnel will ask her to check the baby along with her luggage. I’ve long since given up on trying to figure out why JoJo won’t bring her family to visit.

I’ve not given up, however, on my attempts to get them out here. I’ve resorted to all sorts of evil tactics as a way of coercing her to pack up her family and come out for a nice spring visit.

The first thing I tried was to send JoJo a list, seemingly generated by Clarissa, of the “Top Ten Reasons Why Little Evil Twin Should Visit.” I tried peer pressure: “All the other kids have gone on airplanes.” I tried an educational approach: “If I don’t expand my horizons soon, then I will end up working at Wendy’s for the rest of my life.” I tried flattery: “I want to follow in the footsteps of my lovely, intelligent, and adventuresome mommy who has traveled the globe.” And of course guilt is a big one: “I want to see where I was conceived.” (You see, Clarissa was conceived while JoJo was in town for my wedding. This, of course, was when JoJo was willing to travel.)

Cute, but it didn’t work. No plane tickets were booked.

Next, I sent Clarissa a darling outfit appropriate for a visit to the West: a pair of blue pants with suede fringe along the side seams, and a matching red Western-styled top complete with an embroidered horse. This was accompanied by a note – again, ostensibly from Clarissa to JoJo – that took some liberties with the lyrics to “Home on the Range.” It read, in part:

Dear Mommy,
Now I finally have an outfit that makes me feel home, home on the range.
You don’t need to give me a home where the buffalo roam.
However, I would like to see where the deer and the antelope play.
I understand that out West one seldom hears a discouraging word.
Oh, and also, the skies are not cloudy all day.

You’d think that would tug on JoJo’s heart strings, now wouldn’t you? Nope. No tickets booked.

Here’s my latest ploy. I purchased yet another darling little summer outfit for Clarissa. I will send half of it to her. I will let her know that she can claim the other half in person.

Will hard-hearted JoJo relent?

Only time will tell…